Ask Specifically for What You Want

Ask Specifically for What You Want

Sometimes we expect people to know us well enough to know or intuit what we want, and we feel resentful when we aren’t getting it. One of our clients said, “My husband is always focused on work, and even when we are together, he’s on his cell phone. I feel like we’re drifting apart.”

I asked her what she’d rather experience instead. More sex? More conversation? More time? What time of the day? What she really wanted was to have coffee together in the morning between 7am-7:30ish without cellphones just to connect with one another. She asked him, and he agreed.

Another client was similarly feeling disconnected. She wanted just 1 hour a week (also without cell phones : ) to connect and check in with her boyfriend, to hear about each other’s creative endeavors. After asking specifically for what she wanted, her partner did not set aside time for this to happen. He wasn’t able to meet her needs, and they separated shortly after that.

In each case, there was a resolution.

If you feel like something is missing or off in a relationship, here’s what to do:

1. Take a few minutes to figure out what is bothering you.

2. ASK YOURSELF what you’d like instead. Consider how often, what day(s), and what time of day.

3. ASK THE OTHER PERSON, hyper-specifically, for what it is that you want. Note: This is not the time to gripe or complain about the thing that you don’t like. It’s the time to speak from your heart and ask with a kind, positive demeanor about what it is that you DO WANT.

4. See what happens. The result will give you greater clarity, and you can decide what to do from there.