Podcast Episode 004 – How Do I Live Without You?
In this episode, Christine vulnerably opens up about an affair that ended five years ago and we release the trapped emotions that were blocking her from finally letting it go and healing.
We talk about how to let go of the story about how you thought your life would go and start writing a new one, and I guide her through a cord releasing ceremony, helping Christine open up to the possibility of someone new coming in while honoring the wholeness and completeness of herself.
Kelli Russell 0:00
Hi, everybody. It’s Kelli with radical enlightenment. And I have with me today, Christine. She’s going to be talking with us today about a challenge she’s been facing in her life for the last five years. And we’re going to see what we can do. So we talked a little bit beforehand, just to get to understand a little bit more about it. And if you don’t mind, tell our listeners about what’s going on.
Okay, so um, thank you, Kelly, for doing this with me. I met a man on an airplane coming home from New York Business trip about exactly five years ago, actually. And we had an immediate connection. We got back to San Diego, we started dating, we dated for about three or four months. And I found out that he was married. And when I found out he was married, I didn’t walk away, as my conscience was telling me to, I dug my heels in. For some, one of the reasons being that his wife didn’t live here at the time, she lived in New York. So they were doing a bi coastal thing. So I was with him in his home for weeks on end, almost like I was living with him. So it was not your typical type of affair, where we were just meeting in, you know, secret places, only on the weekends. So I stayed in the relationship for about eight months, and then my health started to decline. I became sick all the time, I came down with pneumonia. I was crying all the time. And I still was having an impossible time. Breaking it off. I got the usual thing
Kelli Russell 1:50
that your body was having a reaction because you were out of alignment with yourself. Like I’m
so Absolutely, in fact, my mother and my sisters, were saying like, you know, I’m a healthy person. So for me to have been sick for that prolonged period was very unusual. And my sister Diane was saying, you know, you, your body is telling you that this is wrong, you know, it’s wrong. And it’s gonna shut you down to the point where it won’t even allow you to see him if you don’t do the right thing and break it off. So eventually, eventually I did because I got tired of the you know that very cliche, I’m going to leave her next week line, realized that was never coming. And so I took matters into my own hands, and I did what every book and counselor say you should never do is to call the wife and tell foolishly thinking that after they fought it out, she left, he would realize that we were meant to be together. Well, of course, that didn’t happen. They formed an alliance, I became the devil. She called me out all over social media. It just was very ugly for a couple of weeks. But they went on with their life. And I have been sitting still stuck ever since. You know, the world continues to turn and I just am here in that same sort of not only missing him and the relationship and the connection, but why would I have allowed myself to be that other woman for someone I can’t like just my husband left and be for another woman. And I remember the rage, and it was rage against her not even against him. Well I can’t believe we as women do that – we immediately demonize the female. And it’s like, the guy is the devil and is really in this thing. But it is easier and you know, you don’t want to leave. I left my husband immediately the minute I found out he was cheating on me, I was gone. So that’s sort of my head was thinking, well, the minute I tell her, you know, she’s gonna leave too. And she didn’t she dug her heels and was like, No way.
Kelli Russell 4:19
Why did you stay for those eight months? What there was something that was more enticing than it was to assuage your worries about doing the wrong thing. Something was feeling better than that, that caused you to stay.
So I think there are a couple of things. First, I don’t think I know I had never felt that level of love for someone that I had for him. Even the marriage, my marriage didn’t even come close to what I felt for this person. But he filled a need in me that No man has ever filled and that is a very paternal almost like a father figure. My father left when I was 12 I have really not had any relationship with him since my ex husband was very much like my father, in a way in certain ways. But not in that care, take her away. But when I, when I met up with when I was with Roger, it was just a, it was an immediate, like, I am going to take care of you, and make the decisions and help you do things. And because I’ve been single for so long, that was incredibly like it was just like, Ah, this huge burden backpack lifted off my back, I don’t have to worry about that stuff anymore. You know, someone to just take care of the car. Like every, every all of those, like what I call man chores, were handled like beautifully, and I didn’t even have to ask. But and even when I was sick, like he was he was just, he was amazing. He was just like having a dad, a real dad. So I think after talking it through with various therapists, family and friends, that I think is the one thing that I miss the most. It’s not like, you know, it’s lovely to have a partner to go places with and do things with but having someone that’s actually like, got your back, like really? And is taking care of the things that I hate to take care of. Like, if I don’t want to get out of bed is up walking the dog like just a partnership. Yeah, yeah. But in a much more paternal way, though, not like because I’ve been in some pretty solid relationships over the years man that had been thoughtful and taking care of things. But this was different. This was almost like, it was almost like he knew exactly what I was missing in my life. And just slid right in there with every single need I needed. And a lot of people tell me that it’s because we spent our first time together was seven hours on an airplane. No, without any interruptions, it was like a seven hour talking date. So and I didn’t have any. And I didn’t anticipate seeing him after that flight at all. So we just connected and it was honest. And I told him a lot of nothing. Quite not. On his end, I was certainly spilling my guts all over the place. But yeah, it almost seems like everything I said to him. He was like in his head taking notes of okay, she’s had a bad relationship with her dad. You know, she’s tired of doing whatever man tours like she just like really keyed in. And from when we started dating once we got home, which was basically within a week. That’s what kind of hooked me in. And by the time I, by the time he was honest, and said, Yeah, we’re actually not getting divorced because he had set on the airplane I’m getting I’m in the process of a divorce. Okay. Because she lives in New York, I live here. We’ve been living separate lives. We’ve only they were only married for two years. And then when I went to his house, the first time there was just no, there was no evidence of a woman anywhere. Not a tampon nothing. So it seemed very, you know, just like, okay, and I never thought to say let me see the divorce papers or do more digging. And then by the time he came clean, I was just so in that relationship and I thought, Look, she doesn’t even live here. I live here. He’s with me every day, you know, she comes back once every couple of months for two days. If I stick it out, he’s gonna realize that this is a silly marriage. And you know, Christine’s here with me. So
Kelli Russell 9:21
since these last five years have gone by Have you reached out to see if anything’s changed in his marital status?
Well, no. So he made it very clear after I dropped the bomb and told her that he was staying with her. He was going to work on his marriage and please never call him again. So I sent him a couple of very long letters that he shared with her that then she shared on Facebook. She still posts on Instagram publicly. All the things that have gone on. He just had a very severe heart attack a couple weeks ago. We may like I, I have. Yeah, I see. And I wish I didn’t see, I wish she would stop doing that. I wish I could just stop looking. I guess I could. Yeah. It’s like, why am I doing this to myself? Yeah, it’s
Kelli Russell 10:19
kind of like you sticking your hands in a rattlesnake terrarium, and just saying, Well, I want to get bit again. And I need a little more pain. I want to get bit again. I think by this point, I’m wondering… you talked about really longing and still dreaming about this person. It’s been impossible to shift out of this connection. So I was wondering, maybe you’re meant to reach out to him again. But it’s quite obvious that that’s not the case.
They’re married. They’re married. Yeah. Therefore,
Kelli Russell 10:54
social media needs to get nixed. So Instagram, Facebook, unfollow, for your safety, even though it’s kind of my husband calls this a razor blade, a blanket. It’s like, the pain that you know, that hurts so good. And you pull it in tight around yourself every time you’re hurting yourself worse. And it’s scary to let that go. Right.
Yeah, you’re so true. Yeah, that’s so true. I think that’s
Kelli Russell 11:23
going to help because it keeps it ever present every time you’re like, Oh, let me see that. Or it just shows up on your feed, and it keeps the pain present rather than being able to move forward. So I think it’s something that would be really good, even though I know you wouldn’t want to part of you wouldn’t want.
I agree. I agree. I mean, there had been not in the first year, I thought about sending him an email just saying, will you please ask her to just but then I was like, No, I don’t want him to know that I’m thinking that, so. Yeah.
Kelli Russell 11:55
Just just a disconnect from her and disconnect from him.
That’s what I’m wanting to do. It’s time. So
Kelli Russell 12:05
what I’m going to check, I’m going to connect to you energetically. And I’m going to check is there a trapped emotion that’s preventing you from being able to move forward. And that’s what I’m guessing you’re looking for. Right?
Christine: yeah, I want to stop the obsessive thinking about it. I don’t want it to be present. In my mind, I want to be able to let this go so that I can call in a new relationship. That’s a good fit, that I can partner with a man. And we can share our lives together and share tasks together. So I don’t feel like I have it all on my shoulders all the time, right?
Kelli: Yes. Okay. All right. So it takes about 30 seconds for me to tap in. And I always ask permission from our highest selves, that it’s safe and appropriate. So I’ll do that now.Okay, I’m getting that is not safe and appropriate for you to have me be the surrogate. So this is one of those challenge, things that comes up sometimes were safe and appropriate for me, but it’s not for you. So we’re going to continue, we’ll continue talking. And we can actually try again in a little bit. But there’s some safety mechanism. Maybe it’s too scary, because this is almost like an emotional surgery, where I start identifying that deep rooted trigger or stuck point. And maybe your system is like Alert, alert. Great. So we’ll talk for a few and then we’ll we’ll try again. Okay. Yeah, because they want to make sure that it’s safe. And it’s done in a way that is assimilated with ease and grace and nothing too crazy. So tell me what it is you want. Now let’s let’s look on on the other side of this, what is it that you want to call in?
I have been for the last couple of years before every yoga class, you know, we set an intention. Yeah. And my intention has pretty much been that I want to have the courage to find love again, to be open to it to open my eyes when I go outside to look people in the eye. Because I guess maybe partly being a New Yorker, I tend not to look people in the eye. But now more so than ever I feel like I need to you know, join the world and not just show up at yoga and say hello to the girls and be in that circle which is wonderful. But when I go to the market has happened recently I went to Seaside to get some food and I was in line and there was a very nice attractive man behind me You had on a wedding ring I wasn’t looking to, you know, for him, but I know. But he was he just started chatting me up, we were waiting right in front of the ice cream thing there. And there was like gallons of ice cream that were really expensive. And I was sort of like looking at like, why is that ice cream, you know, $20 a gallon. And he just caught he picked up on it. And we had this really lovely little chit-chat through our masks. But it was the first time in ages that I had actually had a conversation face to face with a man that I did not know, just about a random thing. And I got in my car. And I thought that felt so good. Like to just be able to be comfortable enough that I can have a conversation with a stranger, it’s not going to go anywhere. It’s just that I’m part of the world and part of the community, not just the one that I have in my little bubble.
Kelli Russell 15:56
So you had this highly traumatic experience where your heart was crushed. Broken Heart, right. But Yep. Are you going to let that define you for the rest of your life? Are you going to let that diminish you? And how long are you going to stay shut down? For? No, it’s been five years? And is this? Is this what you’re going to agree with for the next 1020?
I don’t want to I didn’t want it to take five. You know, I thought I thought it would take a couple of years. I never thought it would take five years and even did. It’s still like they’re like it’s not even like it’s gone. If I could if I said oh yeah. It’s gone. I don’t I’m not thinking about him anymore. I’m not wondering what they’re doing, then that would be great. But it’s not. So this five could turn into 10.
Kelli Russell 16:54
Yeah, do that. Yeah, this is really about being a love warrior. It’s like, we have these things that happen in life that are hurtful, traumatic, that could destroy. And it has to be a willingness to open your heart again, even through the pain. Because we tend to curl up into ourselves to protect and we build a wall around our heart because it’s so hurtful. And we think I’m never going to do that again, I’m never going to hurt that bad again. And in fact, sometimes we make vows to ourselves, I vow that I’m never going to open my heart up in this way again, and then create this blockage where we can’t even connect with others, or we lose the lows. But then we lose the highs as well, because we’re living in this bunker that we’ve created of self protection. So there has to be a moment where you break through the bunker, and you fling your shoulders and arms back. And you enter the world with vulnerability and an open heart. And you say I’m willing, again, to put myself in a potential harm’s way, because you don’t know what other people are going to do. You can’t guess what might be in your future? Or what somebody could do. It just has to come from your willingness to again, open up your heart and step forward. And damn the consequences. Yeah, risk at all. And just say I’m going to do it again. It’s worth it. I’m sick and tired of living in my bunker. Yeah, I know. It’s scary. And I know the razor blade blanket feels so comfy at times, even though I pull it closer to my I’m going to set it down. And it’s going to feel really weird and really scary, because I don’t know what’s gonna come next. And now I don’t have that blanket around me. So now I feel really exposed. And you’ll feel a little more it will feel high highs and low lows, because you open your heart up to more feeling more sensation. And that takes a big amount of bravery.
In order. Yeah, vulnerability is something that’s I’ve always had. I mean, I, I remember in yoga, teacher training, talking people talking about vulnerability and how it’s a good thing, and it’s a sign of strength. And I actually challenged Katie Brower, I said, it is not at all. For me. A strong. It’s not a sign of strength at all. To me. It’s like, it’s danger. Right? Like when I think of being vulnerable. I think I’m in trouble. Like, something really bad’s gonna happen.
Kelli Russell 19:43
This is why it takes bravery. Yeah, because it’s easier to be in the bunker. I’m saying no one’s gonna get me Don’t even try to step up on me. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t talk to me like that. I am in my bunker, right? Yeah. But yes, you’re absolutely right to step forward with vulnerability. It’s its ultimate fear. Because you’re, you’re opening yourself up to be heard again. That’s why it takes bravery and courage. And that’s why to be able to do that is ultimately brave and courageous. Does that make sense now?
Yes, it does. Well, I’ve, I’ve felt this physically, through yoga again, because when I first started doing yoga, I could never do the poses the sort of heart opening poses. Yeah, ever. And I still I struggle with them. I can do them more comfortably now, or I don’t feel like I’m going to vomit. But yeah, I used to feel like if I tried to do camel, I would literally feel the bile, like up and I was gonna puke. And I would have to run out of class, because it was just, it was like, What’s going on there? Why is is giving me such a physical response? And it’s that feeling of like, Oh, my God, like, my hearts exposed? Yes, I’m vulnerable, something, the knife is gonna come down any minute. So I just rather curl up in rabbit and stay down here on the floor.
Kelli Russell 21:15
How are you feeling today?
Um, I feel good. I feel I feel very relieved to be talking to somebody about it. Because I haven’t talked about it now in years, because it’s embarrassing. You know, it’s like, my family would think I was insane. If they knew
Kelli Russell 21:35
that takes a lot of vulnerability. I share an embarrassing story with people. Yeah, right. Yeah. It’s, it’s, it’s our duty to be here right now to talk about something so personal.
That’s yeah. But I really do want to move past this, and if it means going, you know further and doing that other type of therapy that you said you did then I’m, I’m there.
Kelli Russell 22:20
Well, let’s do something. we’re going to do this activity that’s called cross crawls, it balances the two hemispheres of the brain. And then I’ll ask your system again, if it’s now safe and appropriate to link up energetically. So let’s try again we’ll see what we discover. Okay, for this process, you can remain in your chair and you take your opposite hand the opposite knee, give it a tap and then to the other side, so it’s like chair marching opposite Okay, opposite knee, opposite hand opposite knee. And then we add a level of difficulty with your eyes look up into the right
keep your chin a little bit more forward so it’s just the eyes that move rather than the face. Okay? Yeah, great. Okay, now switch to look up into the left
okay, and then go ahead and come to neutral right in the middle and take a couple deep breaths we’ll set an intention that we will be safe we will be kind nurturing supportive in a way that you feel held and will ask that are our highest selves are in charge the wisdom self that knows how to do all this that knows how to heal then you’ll open your eyes, and I’ll try again. So I just start with some baselines and then I asked that question
Yeah, I got the approval this time. Oh, good. So maybe something that we said about that vulnerability. Maybe there was some key component there that needed to be addressed first. Okay, so now I’m getting I feel very calm. I get that it’s good on both sides. We got the Go ahead. And so now I’m able to see is there a trapped emotion that is blocking you from being able to move forward finally, especially as it pertains to love. And I get a yes. So I have rows and columns, and I’m determining where it’s at. So you may hear silence for a little bit, and then I’ll tell you what I find. Okay?
Okay, the first one is a feeling of depression. And it could have been from a long time ago. So we’ll just find out do we need to know more about this in order to clear it? And I got a yes. And if you wouldn’t mind letting you know your current age, because I need to divide it in half and check how old you were. So
what’s the age? 56? Okay,
Kelli Russell 25:46
so I’ll ask was it before you were 20? Yes. Before? You’re 15? Yes. Before 10? No. I love it. 1112 13. So there’s something going on at age 13. With depression, we need to know and we need to know more than that. So usually, if you just say a couple of sentences, it’s it doesn’t have to be a long explanation. But okay, 13 was the age when this was going on? And then usually I can release it. So let’s check it out.
Father left home, okay, is that is the age, okay?
Kelli Russell 26:23
And do we need to know more about that to clear it, and I got to know. So we identified what the trigger was. So when I release this emotion, this stems from the idea that at times, we feel this emotion, overwhelmingly, and instead of feeling it, riding the wave of it, and then releasing it, it becomes stuck. So either it was suppressed or repressed, it was too painful to completely release and feel. Or sometimes it’s just not appropriate. Like, for example, you’re having these feelings, and then it’s time to go to school, and then you’re doing your schoolwork and you’re around other people. And you’re telling yourself, I don’t have time for this right now. I have to be out in the world. I have to do things. So it’s kind of like shove it down, shove it down, shove it, right. And that’s why we get these stuck energies that are creating a blockage in the system. So when I’m releasing that stuck energy, it’s that moment in time, I’m releasing the depression from that time. So it doesn’t mean all the depression ever you’ve ever experienced in your whole life is going to be gone. But this one that day, that day, you were feeling that so overwhelmingly, that will be gone, and that will be gone permanently. So released that feeling of depression, and I’m using my governing meridian, this is the main central energy line and Chinese medicine. As a fellow yogi, we would call that the Schumann Nadi. If we were talking about IR VEDA or Indian medicine and then I do a post check. So I check to see is this trapped emotion now clear? And I got a yes. And now we just keep moving on, like layers of an onion. Is there another trapped emotion that we can release? It’s blocking you from moving forward? I gotta Yes. And there’s a feeling of anxiety. And do we need to know more? Yes, we do. Was it before? 25? Yes. Before 20 before? 15? Before 10? Before three? Before five? I got to between five and 10. So was it at six? This was at age six. And I’ll check to see was it your own emotion? Yes. So you are feeling anxious about something? And I’ll check was it something at home something at school Those are both testing strong school and home. And something to do with mom tested weak so that means no something to do with Dad dad’s testing strong. Did you have any siblings?
I have. I had a sister. Yes. I had a sister. She was four
Kelli Russell 29:08
Does it have anything to do with your sister? Sister tests strong. Okay, I’m getting a lot of Strong’s in a row too. So I’m going to have you repeat after me say out loud. My name is Bob. My name is Bob. Okay, and that test week so that lets me know I’m still muscle testing appropriately. I’m just getting a lot of yeses. Okay, so something about sisters something about Dad something about school you would have probably been first grade. Yeah.
Yes. In fact, that would have been the year that my family moved from New York to California. Okay. Actually, I had two sisters by them because my sister my younger sister was is five years younger. Okay.
Kelli Russell 29:53
You’re a one so you would have had a one year old. If you were six. You would have had
one she would have been one. the other would have been four.
Kelli Russell 30:01
Okay, so this has to do with this anxiety. Yeah, both sisters. Okay, there’s a stress test I can’t remember the name of it but I learned when I was going to grad school for counseling, and you had to gauge every time somebody had a major life event it was worth 100 stress points and a move is considered a major life event that has 100 stress points.
Yes. So that move we’ve moved a lot. Okay.
Kelli Russell 30:31
So let me see Is there something more that we need to identify about the anxiety and I got a no so that means we can clear it. We’re going to release that
and then I check this trapped emotion of anxiety is now clear. I got a yes. Is there another trapped emotion we can release for the same purpose? Yes. So bear with me why discover what it is. It’s a feeling of betrayal. Yeah. And do we need to know more about it? So let’s not jump to conclusion because it could be long ago. Sometimes it’s not what’s most obvious it could be something from a long time ago. So let’s see we do need to figure out more about this. It’s before 20 No. Before 40 is no. Before 50 is no. At 5051 51 So that would have been Earl Yeah, that was that makes sense. That would have been right about the probably close to when you found out. right. Okay. Do we need to know anything more about that? No. Okay, so we can release that feeling of betrayal?
And is this betrayal now clear? I got a yes. Is there another trapped emotion we can release for this purpose? I got to know. So now I have different types of emotions I’m checking for the next one is called a hidden emotion. This is something that you don’t really want to look at. You want to hide it even from yourself. So is there a hidden emotion we can release that is blocking you from moving forward? Yes. Kamay No. feeling of failure? See? Do we need to know more about this declare? Yes. Before 20? No before? 30? No before? 40? No. Before 50? No before 455? Six, this is current situation here. So romantic. something besides that? So there’s a feeling of failure right now. Probably like that longing. Like, I want a relationship. Why don’t I have a relationship? Why? Why isn’t this coming to me? But there’s also another sense of failure that you’re feeling right now in your life? What else is going on? And if you don’t feel like sharing it out loud, you can think it and I can muscle test it?
Um, can I just take a second? I think? Yeah. I think it’s, it’s probably I’ve been playing around with these thoughts for the last few weeks about how
I started as a young person with a certain story in my head of what my life was going to look like. I wanted to have children, I wanted a good marriage, I wanted just like sort of the American idea of, you know, a good partnership, white picket fence thing. And every time I had a failure in my life, like my marriage ended or another relationship ended, whatever. It changed my story, even if my story kept going further and further away from what I thought my story should have been. So lately, I’ve been feeling like, how, how am I either going to get my story back on track? or rewrite my story? Because it’s, it’s not at all what I wanted it to be. And in my mind, to me, that’s failure. Yeah. So that could be only because I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Just that my life didn’t. Is not at 56 Certainly not where I expected. I expected to be you know, thinking about grandchildren now and posting Thanksgiving and Christmases with family and instead I’m single and childless. So that’s probably what it is because failure in other I mean, I have very strong family relationships. I have an amazing career. Like I don’t think of failure in any other way other than my personal life.
Kelli Russell 35:21
Okay, let me check this now energetically. So have we pinpointed what it is? I gotta Yes? And do we need to know more about failure before we can clear it and get to know so we can release that trapped emotion, that trapped energy?
Okay, this emotion of failure is now clear. Yes. So some of this is not accepting what is. And when we’re in resistance to what is, it’s very hard. Because it’s kind of like pushing up against something like this, I’m pushing my two fists together. There’s something that happened, and I don’t want it. And I’m going to continue to be mad about what happened. And I’ll focus my energy about resisting what happened. Rather than accepting the isness of it. Like, this is something that happened, there are different, like, Choose Your Own Adventure book, these different pathways opened up and all these different sections of my life, and I ended up somewhere totally different. But it’s coming to an acceptance of what was what’s transpired so far, allowing a deep sense of peace to settle in with that, like, that’s what happened. That’s the isness of it. Okay, and probably going to live hopefully, until our 90s, maybe with modern medicine maybe even longer. So now it’s thinking, Well, I’m 56, what do I want to do with the next 40 years of my life. And now, you have a new fork, limitless possibilities, not even a fork only if the fork has 1000s of times, right? of different ways that this might unfold. I like it, there are different stages of development of awakening, and one is moving out of victimhood, like the wife is happening to me, all these things are happening to me, right. And then there’s a self help start phase where you start learning like reading books, and taking yoga, teacher training, and doing personal development. And you’re like, Well, maybe I’m, maybe I’m not a victim, maybe I can start shifting, and then you move into creatorship. So that’s like, wow, I can make choices. And this is, it’s a powerful place to be in because first, it requires taking full responsibility for your life. I’m responsible for everything that happened. In some way, I had a part in it, I had a part in everything that happened to me. And I take responsibility for my own life. And I’m going to agree to let go of the shame and the guilt and the resentment. And I’ll just let it be. And as you start to become a good creator, you can start to guide your life in the direction that feels good, that feels joyful, that feels peaceful. And peace is just a lack of internal conflict. So you can get really good at practicing that. But then even moving beyond creatorship is to just, again, being with what is like being in this soulful self, where anything could happen. And you could be okay with it. Because you’re so good within your being like your whole, you’re complete, you’re fulfilled, you are content. And when you’re in that place inside of yourself, external things don’t matter as much. It’s like, oh, this could be the next path that could lead to something awesome. And this could be another path that could lead to something awesome. And this could be another path. And then it’s like wow, even more challenging or scary things could happen. But when you’re in that place, you’re like wow, okay, I know with this great challenge is going to come and new awareness, new understanding greater capacity for something, whether it’s love or understanding grief, or no with every great challenge or pain, there comes some greater understanding. That’s very true. So then when you’re accepting that you’re like, wow, then there’s nothing to be afraid of because the world is always working in my favor, even if it’s in pain at this time. Time. I know something amazing is coming from it. And if I can know that right now, because it always proves to as we look back in our life, we’re like, oh, that’s why that had to happen. Oh, boy did I understand a lot after going through that, you know? So we know that happens. Right? So then we just go, wow, look at all these experiences. And I wonder what new thing I get to experience next. And, and it wasn’t a story that I had in my head when I was a little kid. But now I get to create a whole different story in this choose your own adventure of my life. And it can be exciting again.
Kelli Russell 40:45
Okay, so let’s see, is there another trapped emotion that we can release? And it’s so that you can move forward through the blockages? Yes. Hidden emotion was a feeling of effort and received. And this is a hidden emotion. So something you don’t really want to look at. Effort. unreceived means you give you give, and you get nothing in return. So it’s a feeling that that happened. So let’s see. Is it something that we need to know more about before I can release it? Yes. Is it something that happened before you were 25? No. Before? 35? No, before? 45? No. Before 50? No. So let’s look from 50 on was 5051 51. So age 51. Feeling like you’re giving a lot but not getting in return. So again, that was the same age as the other one. C major betrayal. Okay. We’re going to see, do we need to know more about that? And I got to know so we’ve identified it, we can read okay. Okay, this trapped emotion is now clear. Yes. Is there another hidden emotion that we can release for the same purpose? No. is there’s one called a compound emotion where more than one gets stuck at the same time, like a ball of energy? Is there a compound emotion we can release with this goal? No. emotional resonance means you’re vibrating with this emotion like your whole body is struck like a bell. So we’re going to see is there one of those that’s blocking you from moving forward? Yes. Let’s income.
Three insecurity. That’s some of that razor blade blanket. And that being in the bunker, right? It’s like, what if I go out there something? Something crazy could happen? I don’t. We talked about it earlier. I don’t want to go on those dating sites. It’s freaky and scary. And what could I don’t know what could happen? I could meet somebody. I don’t know. Right? Yeah. Oh my gosh, yeah, the worst possible scenario would happen. And I actually met some people. Ah,
one of my closest friends actually, when we first went on lockdown. Yeah, she was saying, you’re gonna love this. This is like, totally. You can hide in your house now all the time.
Kelli Russell 43:26
This is like the modern way. I think one out of four people, one out of four marriages meet online now.
I don’t know how that happened. Yeah.
Kelli Russell 43:40
So maybe after this session, you’ll be more open to the possibility of that fork in the road. Okay, so do we need to know more about insecurity to release it? And I got a no, that means we can clear it. So I’m going to release that insecurity.
Okay, is insecurity now clear? Yes. Is there another emotional resonance that we can release? that’s preventing you from moving forward? No. Is there an in utero emotion? This is one that you may have received while in gestation in your mother’s stomach? Is there an in utero emotion preventing you from moving forward? No. Is there an ancestral emotion that is blocking you from moving forward? Yes. So this is something that you’ve inherited from either mom’s side or dad’s side. They’ve done these experiments on rats, where they’ll take a female rat, they put him through a maze. If they put their paw on a little lever, sometimes they get a food pellet. And if they put it on this other lever, they’ll get it delivered a shock. So they learned very quickly, don’t go over there, you get delivered a shock and they learn how to maneuver the maze. They’ll take the female rat out impregnate the rat, and then they’ll Take the baby and have the baby run through the maze and it knows to avoid the place where you get a shock up to 11 generations. That’s crazy.
Oh my gosh. So
Kelli Russell 45:12
there’s an ancestor those feelings so emotions so overwhelmingly that it’s like dangerous. passing this genetic material down. We’re going to figure out what that is. Okay? And is either your mom or dad’s still with us? Or they both are Yes. Okay, so we get to clear it from one of them as well. So let’s determine what it is. It’s in column A is a no column B. It is a feeling of defensiveness. And this is from your mother’s side. And we’ll see how many generations going back more than five is no more than three is no more than two is yes. So mom’s mom, this is from mom’s dad. Do we need to know more than that? No. Okay, so we get to release this from your mom too. We release it from the whole energy line. Wow. Even from nonphysical energy, so we’re releasing it from your mom’s dad as well. He’s just no longer here with us. I’m assuming he’s not he’s
he’s gone. Okay.
Kelli Russell 46:29
Okay, this emotion of ancestral defensiveness is now clear. Yes. Let’s see if there’s just one more there’s another ancestral emotion that is blocking you from moving forward that we can release it’s a yes.
Okay feeling of discouragement. And this is on mom’s side as well. Going back more than five generations is a no more than three is a no more than two is a no so this one it actually is from mom. Do we need to know more? No. Okay, so we get to release this from you and mom.
Okay, this trapped emotion of ancestral discouragement is now clear. Yes. There are still more trapped emotions that are blocking you. Yes. There’s still some more there. But that’s what we’re going to get to today. Okay, that’s great. That was a big emotional clearing. So some of the side effects that are possible, you might feel a little bit emotionally tender for one or two days. Okay. Sometimes you have vivid dreams for a night or two. And sometimes you might feel increased energy or decreased energy. Or sometimes people get both. I felt like I needed to run on the beach. And then right after I needed to go take a nap. So, okay, you could have a little bit of energy surge. But 80% of people just feel light and free. Like we were gonna get off this call and you’re like, I just feel much lighter. And I don’t know why So,
okay, I’m excited. You know, me too. I’m gonna just let my dog out of the room. Hold on. Okay. Go ahead.
Kelli Russell 48:31
So, okay, based on what we’ve talked about today, and the work we did, do you feel called to do some sort of action step. So we create some conscious changes, we create some energetic shifts, like to do something to bridge that into the real world in some way. That it could be playful. It doesn’t have to be serious, but what do you feel like you might want to do now?
Well, I still don’t feel like I want to go online.
Kelli Russell 49:01
We’re open to it, then.
I might do a little bit of looking around. Alright. But yeah. Yes, so I mean, I’ve been to several weddings in the last 10 years of people that have met online. Anyway,
Kelli Russell 49:17
when I really close friends met someone near the beginning of quarantine. And they went their first date, they had a mask on. They went and got a burrito at a taco shop. And they just they stood by the fence in San Diego and watch the sunset side by side and ate a burrito. And they’re still together now. Oh, that’s sweet. And she had been divorced for 10 years in her 50s and they’re just a lovely couple. So you know sometimes you got to put yourself out there. You never know what you’ll find.
Yeah, I am going to I’ve started doing this. Every couple of days. I take my dog for long walks and my dog is a man magnet. like puppies are girl magnets. My dog is a guy magnet. Okay, so um, yeah, it never fails. When I go out with him. I’m they pull over. They stop. Oh yeah, it’s amazing. So I’ve been, but normally, I would go out in my like, you know, house clothes, I would have my hair on my on the top of my head. No, you know, I just wasn’t, I wasn’t like, you know, sparkling. Yeah, you know. So a few days ago, we were out walking down by Sandy Guido Park, and it’s right on the edge of Rancho Santa Fe. And I was walking him and right, I could hear the car slowing up coming up behind us. And it was a beautiful automobile. I don’t know what it was, but it was a sports car. And it was just phenomenal. And he rolled down the window on the passenger side and was like, what is that dog? And he was very handsome. And I was like, what is that car? Like, it just was this very fun. And, and he pulled away and it was very sweet. And I thought I think I’m gonna have to use my dog a little bit to help me like cuz I feel safe with him. And he’s my security blanket. And he takes care of me and but he also brings
Kelli Russell 51:24
all the boys to the yard he
No, I was just saying, Yeah, men are usually like, what are you doing with that dog? Because it’s not a dog, you would usually see a petite girl with.
Kelli Russell 51:35
Alright, so maybe if you don’t see a wedding ring, then you might say, Hey, would you want to go grab a cup of coffee sometime? And if a bunch of people say no, that’s okay. And just think about it. Like I’m putting in some reps. I’m just kind of playing with putting my toe in the water. Yeah, putting myself out there. And even you can say, I’m gonna get rejected 20 times. And that’s gonna be my goal, just because I want to put myself out there and I want to practice being brave and vulnerable. Sure. So you could even enter it that way. Like, I’m just gonna say, hey, yeah, would you ever want to meet over there and grab a coffee sometime? And? And if they say no thanks, you just go. No worries. Okay. Have a great day. Okay. Or do you have any single friends? Yeah, I have another question for you. Okay. How do you feel about taking the social media down for the x and the x?
So he’s not on social media. Okay, so he never has been. I blocked her a long time ago on Facebook. Its Instagram where
Kelli Russell 52:54
she gets me. All right. Do you feel about getting out of there?
I have to get out of there. All right. I agree. Like
Kelli Russell 53:02
how aligned you are with that? Instagram unfollow, right.
I’m not following her. She’s public.
Kelli Russell 53:16
Well, then what are you going to do?
I’m gonna block her. Okay. The only way to not see her is to block her.
Kelli Russell 53:22
Okay. You’re more than 50% aligned with that? Yes. More than 70% aligned with that? Yes. More than 80? No more than 75. Yes. That’s right. You’re 77% aligned with that. Okay. Now, what would be holding you back from the 100%?
You know, I think it at this stage after all this time, all these years, days hours. It’s a routine in my life now. Yeah, it is. It’s a habit. Just like brushing my teeth. Yeah. Once a day, and that’s down, severely used to be 10 times a day, because God knows what could happen in an hour. You know, they could suddenly get divorced and it could be on Instagram. I don’t know. But yeah. It’s a habit that I know has to I know it has to be broken. So I just very recently broke another 30 year habit. For health reasons. I I have all of my siblings, we have a genetic form of kidney disease called PKD. And it doesn’t really become an issue in your life until like your late mid to late 50s. Blood pressure raises their cysts on your kidneys and they grow if you have high blood pressure. So that’s how it was found in all of us. And I just recently a few months ago started is a new experimental drug. And this drug has some pretty scary side effects for your liver. So basically the pharmaceutical comes here every two weeks to my house takes my blood and checks my liver. And it’s going to be that way for 18 months. And once I get through 18 months, then my liver supposedly will have tolerated and accepted the drug. But relate to all of this. I’m excited in a big way, in a big way. It’s probably the biggest change I’ve made in my life ever. So I had to stop drinking, okay. And I’m not an alcoholic, but I am a wine lover. And I’m, I love to cook. And I’m in the kitchen every night and most weekends, all weekend, I love to cook. And a big part of that is drinking wine when I’m cooking. So for 30 years, at least 30 years. Starting from when I was married, the end of the day was always a celebration, there was a glass or two of wine every single day. And some years it was more like in the tough years, it would be a bottle like the divorce years it was a bottle a day. But every day for 30 years, until well. I drink a ton of water because this is a very it’s a sort of a diuretic type of a medicine. But I’ve also discovered a lot of my friends have sent me these non alcoholic cocktail mixers that you can mix with ginger ale and other things. But the idea of breaking that habit was almost to the point where I didn’t want to go on the drug. Which is so insane. Like why would I choose to have my nightly glasses of wine over the health of my two vital organs that I can’t live without?
Kelli Russell 56:52
So to do it, yes. When How long has it been now?
I have so I went cold turkey for six weeks. So I started the day after Thanksgiving. And I didn’t have a drink until my first glass of champagne was New Year’s Eve. Okay, so I went all that was massive for me. Yeah, I mean, you and my family were like, what she’s not drinking. What how’s that happening? Like, and then my kidney doctor was like you can have a glass of wine every once in a while you just can’t be drinking every day. And you can’t have more than one like you just you have to be sensible. But the fact that I that was a major accomplishment for me at the end of last year that I was able to knock that out. So and it was rough around here. I live with my sister and her husband, and it was not a happy house for a few weeks because it was breaking a habit that was so angrier. 30 year Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So um,
Kelli Russell 57:51
so how are you doing with that now?
I’m doing well. I mean, I’m doing really well. I have a glass of wine a couple times a week. But not nothing like, I mean, yeah, it was like Betty Ford in our recycling the recycling bin. So that’s huge. It’s it was and I’m very, very proud of that. So if I can do that, you can do this, I can do this.
Kelli Russell 58:19
Do you think you’ll do it today,
I am going to do it today. A little hesitation. I’m like, trying to get the word out. Let’s just say it.
Kelli Russell 58:31
I’d like to invite you to do a little homework tonight. Again, it would be not a cord cutting because that’s violent. But it would be a release. And what you’ll do is you’ll sit cross legged if that’s comfortable on the floor, you can sit in a chair and you’ll close your eyes. And they are still a couple so you could imagine them together or you can imagine them separately. And you’re going to imagine if you were still connected to them, where would that connection be for example, wood might be from him to your heart, and from her it might be into your head because you’re thinking about it or something. But you’ll imagine where those cords are connected to your body to your energy body. And you will give thanks for all the good experiences that came out of it. Thanks for the understanding that you received thank you for the strength that you now have. Thank you for the personal power that you’ve maintained throughout all these years. So anything that you feel that you can do to honor that relationship that was showed you what the type of love you wanted to have in your life, perhaps and then you’re going to imagine gently and lovingly withdrawing those chords and you might see it like a red color. or a silver cord, and it might be thick or might be thin, but try to get an image of what that looks like. And then your reach with your hands and pull it out. And you’ll imagine their cord going back into them. And you’ll imagine their energy growing brighter and your energy growing brighter, because no longer does it need to be connected that way anymore. You honor it, you give thanks for it, and you release it. Okay. And then yeah, just imagine sitting there with your energy field growing really bright. And opening up to the new possibilities of someone new coming into your life. But also, you’re coming from a place of wholeness, completeness, worthiness that is filled up within you. It’s not like you need to, if only this person was there, and they could fill me up, but only if this person was there, you know? It’s like, No, I’m in my completeness. I’m looking for another partner that is also in his completeness. And when we come together, it’s just like, well, what fun do we want to have now? Yes, exactly. Not from a place of lack. It’s from a place of fullness. All right,
I hear you.
Kelli Russell 1:01:19
Thank you for being part of this today. And we’ll sign off and then I’ll chat with you for just a couple minutes after but thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing with others that can learn from this and grow from this and experience it to you know, by being along for our ride together. Hopefully that has sparked something in someone else.
Thank you Kelly was great. Thank you. Recording